Full Disclosure

In the spirit of full disclosure, I thought an update to my last post would be appropriate... you know, before the baby makes his debut.  How am I doing?  Well, it depends on the minute.  Literally.  One minute I am thinking about baby names and baby clothes and smelling baby hair... and the next I'm in a tizzy about all the "what ifs" that could take place in the next few months.  Sure, you could blame the pendulum swing on the pregnancy hormones, but way down deep I know it's about more than that. 

This journey began 4 years ago.  While the circumstances have changed and morphed, the underlying issue is still the same.  To what extent do I trust God?  And even if I can answer that with words, do my actions back it up?  Even after He has given me proof of His ability to provide... even still I doubt it would happen again.  With every twist and turn I find myself clinging to what I can do to solve the problem.  Sometimes I can fix it in the short term.  Sometimes I think I can fix it for the long term.  But it never quite goes like I planned.  Because it's not about my plan and for some reason I still think I can navigate this under my own strength. 

So here we are.  8 weeks or less away from Baby Smeltz's arrival and while my body cannot wait for this baby to be out, my brain is freaking out (to put it mildly) about scenarios that haven't even happened yet.  What if I have to go back to work?  What if Brian doesn't find another job?  What if he stays on third shift?  What if he has to work third shift AND another job?  When will I get a break? What if he has a heart attack from working those ridiculous hours? When will he sleep?  When will he spend time with the kids?  Or with me?  When will I get to sleep?  Who will take care of me?  What if he's gone and something goes wrong and the kids can't get help?  What if ... what if... what if...

For God has not given us a Spirit of fear. 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Do not worry about tomorrow.
Do not fear for I am with you.
My God will meet all your needs.
Blessed is the man who trusts in You. 

Really trying to grasp what this means tonight.  If you read this, pray that for me.  Pray I will understand what real trust is.  Then pray that I surrender to it.