Grams

Change of plans.

While I still plan to participate in the challenge... it will have to wait! This is the first time I have had a chance to sit down and blog about what is going on here right now, so pardon the frantic catch-up instead of a well-thought out post. And pardon me if what I say sound harsh -- I don't know how to talk about what is happening without being blunt!

To be brief, my grandma is dying. Not just any grandma -- Grams. The grandma my mom and I lived with from age 4 until, well, off and on after college until I got married (age 26?)

The summary: She's been in St. Anne's nursing home/rehab since her stroke 6 years ago. Her body is continuing to age and do things that old bodies do, but nothing that unusual until about a month ago when she was randomly diagnosed with a rare, aggressive form of Hodgkin's. She had surgery two weeks ago, and her first chemo treatment was on my birthday (one week ago). The next day, she was in the ER and they were telling us we needed to decide things like ventilators, intubation, and life support. WHAT? Anyway, Grams kept saying she wasn't going to make it this time and she was tired of fighting, etc. She made it until Saturday (and actually had a good day on Saturday) when her sons flew in from Texas. From that night on it has just been a rapid decline in her "status" and Sunday night she was admitted to the hospice wing, as she had declined life support, feeding tubes, etc. She just wanted to go peacefully.

I have no idea how she is still alive. She has been in the hospice wing since Sunday night a...nd the medical people in all parts of the hospital have told us on numerous occasions since her admission to the ER on Friday, to say good-bye... and she keeps saying she is ready to go... and still she hangs on. She has been choking on liquid and even ice chips and liquid medications since Saturday. She rejected a feeding tube. She's not on an IV. her kidneys, lungs, and liver are failing and shutting down. And she has been on morphine pretty steadily since Sunday night when they moved her to hospice. It's unbelievable really. Makes me wonder what she is waiting for.

Anyway, she was still waking up sporadically until sometime late Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, but since then she has seemed to hear, but she doesn't speak or open her eyes (but will, for example, cough on command). To watch her at this stage is very difficult -- especially for my mom, who never wanted to watch her suffer. We know that she can't feel much of anything with all the morphine, but to watch the labored breathing and choking on mucus and such is so hard. She was such a strong lady. It's hard to see her this way.

Please be praying specifically for Grams' sister, Karen, as well as my mom and her siblings (Diane, John, and Scott) in this time. I seem to be coping in a different way than the others, perhaps a blend of my personality, life experiences, and the fact that I'm pregnant, but I'm not as emotional as I am becoming very sentimental and nostalgic. I just so much want for her suffering to end and that she will know real Peace in the arms of the Father very soon.