Waking Up

I don't know exactly how to explain the way I feel, except that I feel as though I am waking up from a very long, deep sleep.

Perhaps I have been lost in the stress of life. Perhaps I've been in survival mode. Perhaps without realizing it, I have been believing Lies. Whatever the reason, I am starting to remember who I am and who I was made to be ... and I like it.

Maybe I should rewind and catch you all up. After Makenna was born (September 2006), I had postpartum depression. I didn't know it at the time. I thought if I didn't want to hurt my baby or myself, it wasn't postpartum depression. I didn't realize that I was even as depressed I was until she was between 6-9 months and I was coming out of it. I remember people saying "isn't it so fun to be a mom?" And I remember thinking "uh, no. Fun? Not so much". From the moment I came home with her nothing about my life was the same and I guess I just wasn't mentally prepared for all that change. It wasn't just about sleep deprivation or a failed attempt at nursing (which, by the way, was enough in itself to send me into a depressed state), but all of a sudden I didn't feel like me. Two days prior, I could go where I wanted, when I wanted. I could shower or sleep or shop or eat whenever I pleased. I could sit down with my favorite book, I could go on a date with my husband... you get the idea. And then she came. And it wasn't that I didn't like her. And it wasn't that I didn't want her to be there. I did. But starting in the recovery room I had health-related setbacks, then the failure of nursing, then the extreme exhaustion, and being a rookie at parenting, and Brian was gone (a lot)... it just overwhelmed me. And I would get so frustrated with Brian. Not because he was doing something wrong. Just because he didn't have to experience what I did. His body was the same as it was. His schedule was the same as it was. He could shower or eat or sleep or leave home without having to think about what the baby was doing, or when the baby would be eating, or what he needed to pack for the baby and how long he would be gone. And yet saying those things out loud sounded so ridiculous, so I kept them inside.

She was three months old before I really remember enjoying her. There were obviously moments that were fun before that... smiles, baby laughs, baby yawns, rolling over, and sleeping through the night! But I just felt so disconnected - even from myself - that I couldn't really enjoy her. It started getting better around 3-4 months, but I still didn't realize what a fog I had been living in until between 6-9 months. And it was SO nice to feel "normal" again.

Now, I didn't have postpartum with Mattie, but when she was about 6 months old, life turned upside down for Brian and I. The details don't matter anymore, but let's just say that facing double unemployment (with two kids and a mortgage) is no fun. It's one of those things I don't want to do again, but am thankful for the journey. Anyway, in December 2008, I prayed very specifically that no matter how long this journey lasted of uncertain employment/income/etc, that we were in it for the long haul... that God could take us wherever He wanted us to go... that we would not give up on each other... we just asked that it would be a testimony of God's faithfulness. It was like walking in the dark for a while. I went to 7 funerals over the course of that year. Some were "normal"... people who had a long and well-lived life tucked under their belt. Some were not. A young mom, an infant, and my dear friend's sweet one year old boy. I was clinging, quite literally, to the Lord just so I didn't lose hope. Goodbyes are never easy.

I guess I didn't really know exactly what I meant (or did I?). I just had a sense that this wasn't going to be a quick fix. We tried to make it one. After a few months of experimenting with creatively-earned income (for lack of a better term), Brian buckled down and started a search for a job. Any job (that would pay our bills). It wasn't quick. And we needed help (thank you, parents!). But God was faithful. So many times I thought "that's it, I don't know what else to do" ... and then He would work. Gift cards in the mail, groceries on our front step or Brian's desk at church, a turkey the night before I was to host Thanksgiving, the list could go on a VERY long time. Most were anonymous, some were not. But all those people who acted in obedience to the Holy Spirit's promptings to help us during this time, were a tribute to us of God's very detailed working in our lives and of His faithfulness.

We didn't have insurance. We were still check to check with no full-time employment in sight. And then I found out I was pregnant. Not just pregnant. Surprise pregnant. February 2010. When I say that I panicked, that is no understatement. We weren't even sure we were going to have any more kids. Not because we didn't want them, but because we couldn't afford them. And then I was reminded that God is the Giver of Life. All Life. And the little baby in my womb was no exception. It was at that time that I said "Alright God. I can't wait to see your hand in this one!" And work He did. We were approved for Hoosier Healthwise for my maternity coverage, and coverage for all the kids. Actually, we were in limbo, lost in the system for 4 months, but approved in August 2010. (At this point I was 30 weeks pregnant). Also in August 2010, Brian started as a full-time sub for this first semester at Blackhawk Christian. Two huge praises in the same month. And then my Grandma died. But I've blogged a little bit about that already. August was over as fast as it had come in the midst of that whole process and the grieving after.

Enter September. I began coaching volleyball (8th grade, as an assistant) at Blackhawk. This is when I got a glimpse of "me". I absolutely LOVED it. People kept telling me I was crazy for being ginormously pregnant (33-34 weeks) and signing up for a 6 week season, but I couldn't help myself. It was the first step in remembering who I am and what I love. We had an early birthday party for Makenna. I think my family thought I was nuts for doing that, but I wanted to make sure she had her day "in case the baby came early". I didn't really think the baby would come before her birthday. Her birthday and my due date were just about three weeks apart. But it was a good thing I did!

My water broke at home on Sunday, September 26, 2010. After a 20-hour ordeal, Collin Quinn Smeltzer arrived September 27, 2010... the day before Makenna's birthday. My first 72 hours were less than desirable. But I was so thankful for this special gift. I adore him! I love that he was different than the girls. My first boy. My first "natural" start to labor (even though it did not go as I had planned), my first small baby. :) And despite my first 72 hours, I did not end up with post-partum (though I have the pills in case it sets in this winter when this Indiana town has no sunlight).

Then the staff, elders, and spouses were asked to take a ministry survey, and while my results surprised me in a way, they brought me full circle to being reminded of who I used to be... who God designed me to me.

And of course it's Holiday time. But I'll leave all that for my next entry. For now, you're caught up. I promise they won't all be so long. Welcome to my journey.