Thankful

Looking back at my last post - almost exactly one year ago - I am taken back to how I felt at that time.  To put it mildly, it wasn't my favorite.  I was overwhelmed, a little afraid, really isolated, and mostly just surviving.   One foot in front of the other, kind of thing.  And let's not even talk about the year or two before that.  Good gracious.  Husband was working thirds, I was staying home, and the kids were in the midst of serious changes in diets which involves a whole family change.  I stopped blogging for a number of reasons... I didn't feel stable.  I didn't want to have a "pity me" blog.  I felt I had nothing to contribute.  I got a little creeped out by people reading my posts about my little ones when I didn't know them (I don't know anyone in China, for example).

Shortly after that post, everything began to change.  I started working, part-time at first, which seemed ideal.  But Brian was working full-time third shift AND part-time first shift and was nearing the ends of his limit... after all, he is only human!  So I started full-time in the spring.  And at the same time we sold our house in two weeks, spent six weeks or so as nomads, then moved in to a new house.   Shortly after, school let out for the summer (thrilled to be off with my kids) and Brian switched to first shift.  We have committed a year at a new church, which we are loving, even though it is nothing like any church I've been to before.  (I remember my first week being completely overwhelmed in my introvertedness that *everyone* seemed to know I was new).  Now I'm loving the community that comes with that, but it was an adjustment for me! 

All that to say... I don't feel the same as the One-Year-Ago Me.  It wasn't any one thing that changed my perspective.  And I certainly don't think life now is perfect.  But after such a long season of drought, much like our current weather, I am so thankful to feel alive.  I don't feel numb anymore.  Whether I feel happy or sad or hopeful or angry or disappointed, etc... I come back to the idea that I'm just thankful to feel anything.  It means I'm not hard in my heart.  It means I'm not holding grudges. 

I've been replaying a Gungor song (both in my head and on my iTunes) because the lyrics are so meaningful to me. 

"You make me new, you are making me new" 

I wish that meant an instant change.  But either way, I'm thankful He's making me new.