The Long Answer

Sensitive topic here, and a wee bit on the long side.  

I get asked one particular question on a regular basis.  "How can you work when you have kids at home?" If I'm being honest, every time is like a knife in the heart.  Part of me wants to flash them our bank account statement, but instead I muster a smile and say "because I have to."  It's the truth, financially.  I have to work.  Years of previous chaos have landed me now in the working mom boat.  Do I wish I could stay home?  Yes.  But as my friend says "I stayed home until we couldn't eat anymore."

I stayed home for 4 years.  I worked very part-time from home doing a number of things from administrative work to medical transcription to being an Independent Consultant for a reputable business.  But for all intents and purposes I was a stay-at-home-mom.  I did not make much monetarily, certainly not enough to be worthwhile, but it helped a little.  I hated staying up late to get work done when the kids were in bed and getting up early, through the night, etc, burning both ends of my rope and never having a moment to myself or for myself.  Never.  Yes, I was staying home with my kids, but I was tired, grumpy, easily agitated, and building this hostility inside for a life I was supposed to love and found myself feeling quite the opposite.  I hated the tension of financial strain on a marriage and in a family.  And while we're on the topic of tension and things I am not a fan of, I've seen my husband go more than the extra mile to bring in the income... but at what cost?  We never saw him.  We never laughed with him.  We never had people over.  We never saw him rested and content.  Is that what I want to model to our kids?  "You have a dad, and yes, he works hard, but you don't know him because he's always gone?"  No thanks.  I've done the absent-father thing in my own childhood and it's not what I want for my kids.  And it's not what I want for our marriage.

A year ago I longed for even a moment to myself.  I could not wait to send my kids to school and hoped having the little dude alone would be enough of a break that I wasn't going to self-combust.  But then I started working outside the home, taking my self-imposed guilt with me.  I knew I had to work.  I knew I didn't have a choice.  But I wasn't prepared for how it changed me.  At work I felt alive and over time I had a healthier "me" to offer to my kids at the end of the school day.  It was refreshing to rediscover that I have value, I have thoughts, I have valuable thoughts.  And this year, I'm cherishing every day with my kids, even when they are horribly disobedient (ahem - my 4 year old), because I have to be intentional with my time now.  I do long to stay home.  I think that this break I have had, has revived me and I really do wish I had the opportunity to stay home all over again.  But for whatever reason, I'm in a season of work.  I am going back to my job this year because I need to work, (by the way, I love my job.  If I have to work, there is no other place I'd want to be), but I also miss my friends.  I want to be in mom groups, and daytime Bible studies, and have morning play dates with my other mom friends.  Sigh... If only dinner time play dates were cool. 

So I work.  And I feel torn every day.  But I remind myself... I work because I want to share some of the burden right now.  I work because I want my kids to have a Christian education.  (And dinner on the table).  I work so I can say "yes" to that gymnastics class or music lesson.  I work so our house can feel like a home.  I work so we can give. 

I hope that this long, heart-felt answer to the regularly-asked question isn't offensive.  I know I have friends on both sides of this issue.  But I wanted you to understand that it really is an internal struggle for me.  It isn't just that I want to work, or that we haven't tried sacrificing financially in other ways (if you have seen my old school flip phone with its broken camera and nothing smart about it, you can testify).  This is just a season when I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I have to do for the family... and that's the bottom line.